green-eyed angel, turn your gaze on me
the horror of loving you
is that every day i lose you a little bit more
i've had every piece,
and i try to remember your flavor on my tongue
but there's nothing left.
falling away, little by little
the green of your eyes
the ringing of your voice
just these solid things seem to remain
but who do they belong to?
just your name repeated over and over
its owner washed away
there's not much oxygen left here for me now
it keeps getting harder to breathe
i lose consciousness,
i fall into a dreamless sleep
just to be able to forget about breathing
but i rouse again and remember
turning a deeper shade of blue
without you there is no storm
but without you there is no rain either
linger on me like a scent
hang in the air around me
stick to me like glitter
and never disappear
ring in my ears
in my head, in my heart
reverberate and echo
i want to feel your vibrations in my bones and teeth
here in this world where you are not;
here in this world where you don’t belong
let my heart still beat with your frequency
and let me see your shadow
maybe i can hold you with mine
you meet him and you love him and you know you can't live without him,
but you do
like walking chained to the bottom of the ocean,
you do
because the music ends and you have to eat another meal,
take another breath,
you have to look at your face in the mirror getting older every day
even though he doesn't
and you look for him everywhere you go,
knowing you'll never find him
and you talk to him knowing he won't answer
but still, you wake up
still, you take heavy breaths and heavy steps
and you walk in circles
forever going nowhere
wishing you didn't have to
wishing for a reason
and that is how life goes on
i turn off the machine and the world is barren of you again
i hold on to you like a glow in my chest ever dimming,
leaving me in the cold again
i hold on to you like flowers that wilt again and again
like photographs faded by the sun
like pages of a holy book thin and fragile from use
like a mantra with a forgotten meaning
you were the sun
i can only live in the cold now,
struggling to remember fire in a world that does not
i’m chilled in your shadow and scorched in your light,
as if there was no atmosphere between us
like being on the moon
the only way i can see you is through lines and pixels
i get as close as i can, but nothing is there
the illusion dissipates
and it’s just lines and pixels
so with my hands i create lines and pixels so i can touch you
but i can’t feel you
and it’s still not enough to see you
even when i do it myself
even when i keep doing it for however many years it’s never enough to see you
you always disappear like mist
but, if it’s mist, studying water particles wouldn’t help me understand the shape of you
water can’t hold your form or your soul
but water is all i have to go on
so maybe i should be the one getting baptized
or maybe i’ll drown chasing your reflection
it gets harder to breathe every day
it's like i had been searching for light in candles and you are the sun itself
the empty space in me is shaped like you
heaven might be a place but you’re a heaven all on your own
it’s not worth existing if it isn’t for you
i would pray until my soul buckles
a dead first love
isn't that sad?
i don't understand the other
tragic love stories
because i don't understand why
they mean something
and we don't
all i understad
is you
i want us to mean something
but nobody else can see it
i can't explain it
i'm not that smart
all i can do is hide away
because i mourn alone
it’s so much more than wanting to hold you or touch you
more than wanting to hear your voice
i want to breathe you
i want to feel you with every nerve
i want your thoughts to flood my brain
and i want to see nothing but green
every breath you took was beautiful
auldrant is beautiful because it bore you
every fonon that composed you was precious
every smallest piece of you
i want to outshine the sun for you
i’m in a dream i don’t know how to wake from
but it isn’t my dream
maybe it’s a shared dream between us all
maybe it’s gods dream
how can i find my way through the noise?
did you wake up?
can you hear my mutterings, as if sleep talking?
every dream is its own reality isn’t it
nothing is real. everything is real.
you could make anything beautiful
i don't want to look at anything but you
how much of this pain is mine, and how much is yours?