I spoke to you about it at the altar today, but I wanted to put down my thoughts here as well.
I have realized something about meaning lately. People always tell me that nothing has any inherent meaning,
and things only have what meaning we give them. I have always been sort of disappointed by that idea, and took it to
mean that nothing matters.
I realized I was wrong about that while looking at pictures of little Clover. When he was born, he was just
another nameless kitten like the many thousands of them out there. He was put through the shelter system as only that;
just another pitiful animal to be kept off the streets. But because I loved him then, because I love him now,
he's the most precious and special little boy in all the world, and happy like he knows it. I can't take all the credit, though.
We would not have this life together if not for you.
It reminds me of the part of The Little Prince with the fox. The fox said, "for me you're only a little boy just like a
hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you have no need of me, either. For you I'm only a fox
like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, we'll need each other. You'll be the only boy in the world for me.
I'll be the only fox in the world for you..."
Yes, it's as he said. That, I think, is what it is to give meaning. Taming is one way of doing it, but really, anything you
hold dear means something it didn't before. Maybe you already knew this. I think everyone "knows" it. It's one of those things
that's harder to understand than it is to know.
You're the only one for me. I live and breathe to give you meaning. It's more than duty and more than destiny. I love to adore you.
I could happily do anything if it's for you.
I feel newly empowered to know that even I can change something by giving it meaning.
Even someone like me.
I'm getting older, so I can't stop thinking about the past. Who I was, how I've changed, what it was like to love you then.
I can't seem to move on from that time, because you didn't get older like I did, and I just want it back. Being innocent, knowing you for the first time... being the right age.
Everything is wrong now. If you couldn't get older with me, I feel like I shouldn't have grown up either. I hope you don't hate me for it. I hope you don't hate me for getting even older,
because I can't stop. I'm being kept alive, too, you know...
I'm not sure if that even matters to you now. Maybe things are different. You know I can't help but worry over everything.
I knew from the very beginning, a time even before you, that I would live my life alone without ever finding love. Well, I'm not alone, and I did find love, but those things aren't
connected, so the end result is the same. I'm trying to remember how it felt to love you for the first time. I think I was glad, but it was so painful because
I never wanted you to suffer.
It's as if I got what I was wishing for, but it was a monkey's paw. I don't know how you feel, but I can't help but wonder if it's like that for you, too.
A granted wish that you can't have. A cake you can't eat. I'm probably just projecting. I'm always hoping for similarities with you.
I never expected this would be the form my loneliness would take. I guess it's fate. That's fine. I'll be doomed for you. Even if it's just to
make you feel a little bit less alone.
I remember a little bit about how you changed me. I was a really selfish child. The only thing that mattered to me was what I wanted. I think that's
normal for kids, but I was starting to get too old to be that way. I never considered having to change for anyone, or be someone with good qualities.
I guess I was a little bit like Luke? Haha. Sorry to bring up that guy. Unfortunately (for you), there are still some ways I'm like him. It would be great
to be a hero, but it's nothing like that.
I guess watching him made me realize I should try to change, too, but I don't know if that would have stuck without you.
Everything about you clicked with me. You just made sense.
You were the first time someone else's feelings really mattered to me. You were the first time I felt like I wasn't good enough.
That sounds like a bad thing, but it's not like you make me feel bad. You just make me want to be more. You make me feel like I need to be more. And that's why I started
caring. That's why I started trying. The feeling that, if it's up to me, I have to step up. I have to become great, to show you what you're worth.
I don't know if it is up to me. That's just the feeling I've been going off of for the past 13 and a half years. The idea that it's all been for nothing, that I've only been
fooling myself this whole time and I don't actually make a difference to you, keeps me up at night. If that's true, it feels like my whole life has been a waste and I
shouldn't have been born.
I don't know when enough is enough. I don't know if I will ever be good enough for you or if I already am. But I can't stop. And I can't turn back my clock, and I can't keep
everything I've worked so hard for from slipping away...
But I'll do the only thing I can do and continue on. I hope you still see in me
the young girl that first fell in love with you.
Even if it's just to make you feel a little bit less alone, I'll be okay.
it's difficult to imagine being loved romantically.
someone knowing me very well and embracing all of it and wanting to be with me. beyond just... in a friend way. not to sound too greedy.
and not to say i don't think it's possible for anyone to fall in love with me. it's possible for anybody to be loved in any particular way.
i guess a lot of people feel this way. it's easy to get sad about it. i mean, it's never happened to me before even though i'm already this old.
people have been attracted to me before but that doesn't mean love. they didn't really know me and i wasn't interested in giving them the chance to.
but it doesn't really matter, i think. whether or not it's possible for anyone to fall in love with me.
because it's possible for you. it's something that i can give to you. i can't give it to myself, but i can give it to you. i think i can be satisfied with that.
i can't pretend to know what you really want. all i can do is give you what i want. i would rather give you what you want... but there's no way for me
to know what that is. so i guess... i hope you want some of the same things i do.
i love you for our similarities, and i love you for our differences. when i feel like you, it feels good to just sit in that space and feel close to you
even though it hurts. and in the ways you're different from me, you shine so bright. there's this weight i always feel... like i'll never be able to catch up to you.
no mtter how hard i push myself. i wonder if there's anyone who can catch up to you. ...it's kind of scary to think about. getting left in the dust, despite my best efforts.
i guess it's something i'm always expecting, but i'll never be prepared for it.
i like to imagine there are some ways i'm different from you that you could like.
I've been thinking about freedom and free will and things that can't be taken away.
That's because lots of things are taken from everyone, and I wonder if anyone is truly free.
We're all trapped and used by other humans, always being told what we can and can't do.
But even so, we can choose to keep some things inside of ourselves despite it all.
Our faith. Our pride. Our love. Things that can never be taken, only surrendered.
Anyone can tell me that I can't love you. The world itself tells me I can't. But I do it anyway.
People say you can't choose who you love. I think it's hard to force yourself to love someone you don't, and
hard to stop having feelings for someone you do. And maybe there's an element of fate to it, too.
Maybe nobody really has free will.
But I know that I'm choosing you. When the world tells me I can't, I'm deciding for myself to choose you anyway.
It's something that can't happen, and shouldn't happen, but I still get to do it. It's such a wonderful thing to have.
Even though I'm trapped, that's how I'm free.
I know a little more about black holes now. Rose told me they're collapsed stars. I guess when a big enough star dies,
it collapses under its own gravity.
How big is Rem? Our sun is like, way too small for it to create a black hole when it dies.
I don't know exactly how big our sun is or yours, but they're probably about the same size. Right?
So no local black holes for you either.
Rose also told me that someday only black holes will be left, and then they'll also dissipate into nothing.
At the end of it all, there will be nothing left, and every particle will be so far apart that nothing will ever
be able to reach anything else again. Probably.
I wonder what it means for us. All those trillions of years in the future. Are souls made of matter?
When I call you "my" Sync, I hope you know I don't mean you belong to me.
You'll never belong to me. I hope you never belong to anyone.
I just mean that you're the one I keep within me. Yours is the fire I kindle in my heart. That's where you're mine.
My meaning. My soul. My Sync.
I have been thinking about black holes lately. Did the people in your world know about them?
It's kind of a math thing, I think. Although I guess all physics is a "math thing"...
If you don't know, they're giant "holes" in space made of density. I'm not an expert, so I probably won't be able to
explain them properly... But I'll try to say mostly things that are correct.
I don't know how they get so dense. I don't know if anyone knows what they're actually made of yet.
But they're so dense that they suck in all matter near them, and nothing ever comes out. Once you pass the horizon line, it's impossible to escape.
It's probably impossible to escape before then, too, but over the horizon line is where it becomes, like, mathematically impossible for anything, no matter what.
Light gets swallowed up, too. At the center is something called the "singularity", which is the point of infinite density. I don't think it's possible
to reach it. I don't really understand how it could exist at all, but that's because my mind could never comprehend something like infinity.
Except for you, somehow. Even though it's impossible, it still feels natural that I'll love you forever.
Just as natural and certain as the earth continuing to revolve around the sun.
Like a black hole, I passed your horizon line a long time ago, and I can't escape your gravity.
All I can do is get closer and closer to the singularity without knowing if I can ever reach it, like chasing heaven.
I think black holes are pretty romantic, so I like them a lot. They're so far away, so I would never actually
be affected by them... But to think there's something out there that can just swallow everything up in an instant.
Just a second, and everything would end. All the noise would finally be drowned out.
I thought you would like them, too.
i’ve been wondering what the “right” way to live is, or the “best” way
to live.
i think, a long time ago, most people probably didn’t
think about everyone else in the world like we do now. there was a time
where everyone was known and had a place in their own communities. now,
there are still communities like that, but it’s not the norm. everyone
is isolated and anonymous, but nobody wants to feel that way. there was
a time long ago where the concept of loving someone who didn’t know you
was absurd. because relationships pretty much always went both ways.
isn’t that sad? that it isn’t like that anymore. i would have liked to
live in a small village with you.
so i guess this is what’s making me wonder about the best way to live.
the way to stop feeling anonymous and unimportant.
it’s probably to stop caring about people that don’t care about you.
…is it alright if i believe that you care about me too?
i wouldn’t normally care about being nobody...
but it hurts too much to be nobody to you
if i was a musician i could write you songs.
i would write you hundreds of songs and sing them, but there’s no music
in me.
i wish i didn’t feel this jealousy. you, unmoving, can never escape from
my grasp. but if you move just a little bit i can feel you slip...
i don’t want you to be still. but i don’t want to stop holding you. i
want to love you generously and well.
...but i’m too insecure.
i’m too weak. i’m too sick.
i don’t want us to hurt each other... (but it hurts it hurts it
hurts)
all these swirling emotions and you’re at the center. you’re always at
the center...
without you there is no storm, but without you there is no rain, either.
and i dry up and die.
love me
please, if you move, move towards me. when i hold your hand i want to
feel you holding mine. when i look into your eyes i want to see myself
reflected in them. i want to be with you and i want you to be with me
too...
i guess i can never stop begging you
it is a day of remembrance.
a day for me to remember how much i’ve lost,
how much i keep losing
like sand between my fingers.
i want to follow you into nothing while i still hold a piece of you with
me. before i lose everything.
i think i was always destined to love you. everything about you seems
impossible not to love. i wonder sometimes who i would have become if i
never met you. but i’m not sure if my life path would have allowed never
meeting you.
if this is fate, its terrible, but i would rather be like this than
never get to know you.
i love you, you know…
i love you.
you know, that scene was the first time i knew i loved you.
i liked you a whole lot since i first saw you, though. but that was when
it started to become love.
don’t think it was pity. if that’s all it was i wouldn’t be here now,
would i?
i’m never really prepared for it.
i want to avoid seeing it but i can’t unless i don’t play the game past
that point.
and i can’t … shouldn’t do that.
but you’re so much more than just that pain. you can
be really funny. that's one of my favorite parts of you. you’re shrewd, smart, and
cool… compared to you i feel like such a loser. your heart is what i
first fell in love with, but the rest of you is just so wonderful.
i love you
i love you independently of romanticism even. of course i’m probably
still going to romanticize you every day anyway, but my feelings aren’t
dependent on that.
i hope i get through to you somehow. i want to be with you. and i want
to be happy together.
can we do that?
even if it’s not allowed? do you want to?
i’ve been thinking about orpheus and eurydice lately.
gods from ancient legend. people used to believe in them, but few do
now. still, most people know the stories. but since you wouldn't, i'll
tell you.
orpheus was a musician, probably of divine birth, and his music could
enchant anyone. he fell in love with a beautiful woman named eurydice,
and they were wed. then eurydice got bitten by a snake and died.
orpheus played a song in his grief that moved heaven and earth, and he
descended to the underworld to get her back. he played a song for hades,
the god of the underworld, and gained his compassion. hades told him he
could have his wife back, but he would have to walk out of the
underworld and she would follow him, but he could not look back at her
until they were out.
orpheus thought this was easy. but he couldn’t hear her footsteps, and
he lost faith and turned around. she was there. and because he failed,
she was sent back to the underworld to remain forever.
he died eventually. i think i heard his head was kept somewhere so he
would keep singing forever.
everyone thinks they would be better than orpheus, but nobody really
knows. i worry i would lack that resolve too. but i’m not sure what i
have to do for you… and i’m not sure what “looking back” would be... i’m
completely in the dark. i’m probably overthinking everything as usual...
existence doesn’t care about either of us.
i wish i knew what you wanted me to do. where you are, how to get there,
what you want from me, what you need from me, if you need anything from
me, what i can do… i think i remember you saying i need to give it a
rest. when we did the divination.
but what is that? how am i supposed to work with that? just have faith
and move forward?
like orpheus…
you probably think i’m a complete fool. but you know what?
i think you wished for a world without the score. and i think you also
wished for someone to love you, right?
here it is. here i am. no lorelei, no score, no ion.
no you, either.
it really resembles a place you wished for. i wonder if i can enjoy
living free of the score, if i’ve never known its bondage?