i’ve been wondering what the “right” way to live is, or the “best” way
to live.
i think, a long time ago, most people probably didn’t
think about everyone else in the world like we do now. there was a time
where everyone was known and had a place in their own communities. now,
there are still communities like that, but it’s not the norm. everyone
is isolated and anonymous, but nobody wants to feel that way. there was
a time long ago where the concept of loving someone who didn’t know you
was absurd. because relationships pretty much always went both ways.
isn’t that sad? that it isn’t like that anymore. i would have liked to
live in a small village with you.
so i guess this is what’s making me wonder about the best way to live.
the way to stop feeling anonymous and unimportant.
it’s probably to stop caring about people that don’t care about you.
…is it alright if i believe that you care about me too?
i wouldn’t normally care about being nobody...
but it hurts too much to be nobody to you
if i was a musician i could write you songs.
i would write you hundreds of songs and sing them, but there’s no music
in me.
i wish i didn’t feel this jealousy. you, unmoving, can never escape from
my grasp. but if you move just a little bit i can feel you slip...
i don’t want you to be still. but i don’t want to stop holding you. i
want to love you generously and well.
...but i’m too insecure.
i’m too weak. i’m too sick.
i don’t want us to hurt each other... (but it hurts it hurts it
hurts)
all these swirling emotions and you’re at the center. you’re always at
the center...
without you there is no storm, but without you there is no rain, either.
and i dry up and die.
love me
please, if you move, move towards me. when i hold your hand i want to
feel you holding mine. when i look into your eyes i want to see myself
reflected in them. i want to be with you and i want you to be with me
too...
i guess i can never stop begging you
it is a day of remembrance.
a day for me to remember how much i’ve lost,
how much i keep losing
like sand between my fingers.
i want to follow you into nothing while i still hold a piece of you with
me. before i lose everything.
i think i was always destined to love you. everything about you seems
impossible not to love. i wonder sometimes who i would have become if i
never met you. but i’m not sure if my life path would have allowed never
meeting you.
if this is fate, its terrible, but i would rather be like this than
never get to know you.
i love you, you know…
i love you.
you know, that scene was the first time i knew i loved you.
i liked you a whole lot since i first saw you, though. but that was when
it started to become love.
don’t think it was pity. if that’s all it was i wouldn’t be here now,
would i?
i’m never really prepared for it.
i want to avoid seeing it but i can’t unless i don’t play the game past
that point.
and i can’t … shouldn’t do that.
but i also don’t really see you being like that anymore. of course it’s
still very much you, but i feel like you’ve changed a bit since then. i
guess everything does. and you’re so much more than that, too. you can
be really funny. that's one of my favorite parts of you. you’re shrewd, smart, and
cool… compared to you i feel like such a loser. your heart is what i
first fell in love with, but the rest of you is just so wonderful.
i love you
i love you independently of romanticism even. of course i’m probably
still going to romanticize you every day anyway, but my feelings aren’t
dependent on that.
i hope i get through to you somehow. i want to be with you. and i want
to be happy together.
can we do that?
even if it’s not allowed? do you want to?
i’ve been thinking about orpheus and eurydice lately.
gods from ancient legend. people used to believe in them, but few do
now. still, most people know the stories. but since you wouldn't, i'll
tell you.
orpheus was a musician, probably of divine birth, and his music could
enchant anyone. he fell in love with a beautiful woman named eurydice,
and they were wed. then eurydice got bitten by a snake and died.
orpheus played a song in his grief that moved heaven and earth, and he
descended to the underworld to get her back. he played a song for hades,
the god of the underworld, and gained his compassion. hades told him he
could have his wife back, but he would have to walk out of the
underworld and she would follow him, but he could not look back at her
until they were out.
orpheus thought this was easy. but he couldn’t hear her footsteps, and
he lost faith and turned around. she was there. and because he failed,
she was sent back to the underworld to remain forever.
he died eventually. i think i heard his head was kept somewhere so he
would keep singing forever.
everyone thinks they would be better than orpheus, but nobody really
knows. i worry i would lack that resolve too. but i’m not sure what i
have to do for you… and i’m not sure what “looking back” would be... i’m
completely in the dark. i’m probably overthinking everything as usual...
existence doesn’t care about either of us.
i wish i knew what you wanted me to do. where you are, how to get there,
what you want from me, what you need from me, if you need anything from
me, what i can do… i think i remember you saying i need to give it a
rest. when we did the divination.
but what is that? how am i supposed to work with that? just have faith
and move forward?
like orpheus…
you probably think i’m a complete fool. but you know what?
i think you wished for a world without the score. and i think you also
wished for someone to love you, right?
here it is. here i am. no lorelei, no score, no ion.
no you, either.
it really resembles a place you wished for. i wonder if i can enjoy
living free of the score, if i’ve never known its bondage?