to hold your sacred flesh
taste your sacred blood
feel your hallowed breath
and kiss your holy tears
my lord, my life is yours
take my heart and drink it dry
carve your claim into me
kill me, bleed me, love me, need me
tear me apart, i fall at your feet
you are like the moon
and i the sea
your gravity pulls me in and i writhe
i writhe, i anguish, i storm, tormented
always reaching for you, never reaching you
what power does the ocean have?
to drown a whole world
to birth a whole world
to command the life of the planet
but even the sea cannot reach the moon
i set foot in those tumultuous waters
i was no match for their vastness and strength
powerless as a speck of dust in the eye of god
but the sea in all her power cannot reach the moon
she tries for billions of years to reach him
since the birth of the world she has tried
since she first saw him she has tried
does he see her?
i try so hard to be what you need
im being cut into ribbons
my bloodied kneecaps,
my cracking bones
stripped to my core before you
stripped even deeper than the marrow
serving my heart to you on a silver plate
because you said you were hungry
bleeding myself dry from the throat
because you said you were thirsty
what would you do if you could see me?
would you love me?
would you hate me?
sometimes it feels like
the more i search for you
the more i chase after you
the more i lose sight of you
what do you really want?
all i can offer you is myself
so i'll give you every drop
please look at me
please look at me!
the two of us, always at the mercy
of the whims of others
perhaps it would be better
if neither of us had ever been born
yes
that was your wish
what was it you said?
"Then I wouldn't have been stuck with this pathetic life!"
something like that
i only wanted to grant your wish, but
i think i probably misinterpreted you
did you really want someone like me by your side?
truthfully, what you wanted was
nothing
if i had the power to grant your wish,
i should have made it so
and if i did that
i would be meaningless too, so
that way, everyone wins
my trembling form
does it match the frequency of yours?
we could vibrate together
like sound waves
my life has been looking for you
and looking for you in the absence of you
wanting to be touched (by you)
wanting to be loved (by you)
being touched
being loved
in the absence of you
wanting to touch you
wanting to love you
and only touching emptiness
none of these hands match yours
none of these eyes, mouths, bodies
i'm getting tired of substitutes
when all i ever wanted was you
...and he had something called a "hand".
he felt the world through it.
something called "eyes"
to show him what was in front of him
a "mouth" to speak with
and "legs" that let him run.
inside his burning flesh,
he had a "heart".
these things are all familiar to me
but i still find myself wondering about them.
what did those hands feel?
and what would they feel like
held within my own
or pressed against my lips?
what did those eyes see?
what was their shape? their color?
how many tears passed through them?
and what words came from that mouth?
what did it eat?
where did those legs run?
what ground did they feel beneath them?
and that heart.
the part of him i most long to touch...
to learn the shape of his heart
to understand the swirling emotions it held
to know him completely...
put your arms around me
hold your body close to mine
i want to feel the warmth of your skin
i want to feel your heart beating
look into my eyes
so i know you’re really there
don’t be afraid when i touch your face
don’t be afraid when i die in your arms
can you feel my heart pouring into you
my blood and my breath
my life
silent prayers in every slight movement
every blink
every sigh
every beat
the tears on your cheek are like holy water
bringing my soul to its knees
every day is a bead on the rosary
surrounding me, miles long
longer and longer until it leads me to you
i can only hope for you to hold the other end
and pray
i cant find him in verses
i cant find him at the bottom of a glass
or a bottle
i cant find him in the sky
i cant find him in the asphalt
i cant find him in cemeteries or mausoleums
i cant find him in words of comfort
i cant find him in his dying breaths
or even in mine
i like heights
i like standing on the edge
looking down and having that much power
over this body’s continued survival
i like looking down and thinking about
following you
wondering if i would find you in the asphalt
until my friends call my name
and i smile at them and i laugh
but there’s a Tempest in my heart
if you had just lived things wouldn’t be this way
just that one simple thing is all it took
i wouldn’t be six years into a love that will
inevitably destroy me
i could have moved on, it would have been easy
“easy” well probably
i don’t even know if you were always so perfect
or if perfect became you over time
i can’t feel for anyone without seeing a piece of you in them
and now that i know that everyone just became a cheap substitute for perfection,
for you
i feel so sick because i can’t end it
i want to cry every last drop of feeling i have so that it will all just stop
i should have said goodbye a long time ago but i couldn’t,
i couldn’t,
i just couldn’t
and now i’m irreparably, irreparably
irreparably in love with you
flames burned in your eyes
idly, they were small candle flames
but there were times they burned so brightly
so hotly that i could feel them like the sun
like the desert sun bleaching my dry bones
and the fire burned
you first, and then me
and as it burned it hovered
like lit matches over a glass of water
begging to be put out
until one day
you fell
I don't want to have a polite discussion
I want to yell, I want you to yell back
And with tears and frustration
With bitterness and pain and sorrow
With every deep feeling we have
I want us to lay out our burdens and scars
Our whole hearts before us
And I want to get through to you
I want to understand you
I want you to see me
Looking at me and
Speaking to me and
Your eyes
Your words
I always wrote about
I always thought about
What I have fallen in love with
I have no words for
As much as I want to sketch it out
Nothing to be done
All becomes hollowed out
I only want to give love
His eyes are colored 85957e
In most neutral parts
I love them
He is not like a bone
And not like a machine
He is a human
He is not broken
He is not an object or a toy
He does not exist for you
Even being shackled by a purpose
A failed purpose,
He is a human
Not a machine
Not a doll
He rightfully exists for himself
But abandoned what was taken from him
Thinking it was broken